Actionable Steps to Build Shame Resilience

In my last blog post, I talked about a really tough, but common, problem: the shame that often comes with chronic illness. Being sick, and sometimes living with a disability, is already incredibly challenging. But on top of that, many of us wrestle with a deep feeling of not being good enough. We might try to push back against that uncomfortable feeling by striving to do "better," by numbing ourselves to difficult emotions, or by simply hiding our pain from the world. The ironic thing is, keeping shame a secret only makes it grow stronger.

Here’s a simple, yet profound, idea: treat yourself with the same empathy and compassion you’d naturally offer to anyone else who’s struggling. While you can’t just make shame disappear, as Brené Brown explains so powerfully in her 2012 TED Talk, Listening to Shame, it’s a universal human experience; you can learn to navigate it. With a few practical tools, you can move through shame without letting it take over your life and define who you are.

Practical Steps to Build Shame Resilience

1. Recognize Shame

The first step is to simply notice when shame shows up and identify what might be triggering it.

How to do this: Shame can be a master of disguise; it often hides behind other emotions like frustration, guilt, or anxiety. Start by tuning into your inner dialogue—those thoughts running through your head—and paying attention to how your body reacts.

Common signs that shame might be lurking include:

• That harsh inner critic kicking in, telling you things like, “I am useless.”
• A strong urge to hide away or withdraw from others.
• Catching yourself comparing your life, your abilities, or your progress to someone else's.
• A sudden, unsettling feeling of being "small" or exposed, as if you’re under a spotlight.

A really helpful initial move is to simply name it. Say to yourself, "This is shame." That act of naming it creates a small, but incredibly important, bit of distance between you and the feeling itself.

For example, imagine you have to cancel plans because your fatigue is overwhelming, and your immediate thought is, “I’m such a bad friend.” Instead of just accepting that as truth, pause. Take a breath and tell yourself: “I’m noticing shame right now. This is that familiar ‘I’m not good enough’ feeling.”

2. Reality-Check the Story

Once you’ve recognized it, ask yourself: Is this actually true?

How to do this: Shame is a powerful storyteller, but its narratives are often twisted and distorted.

To bring things back to reality, gently question the thought that shame is feeding you:

•  What evidence do I really have for this? 
• What evidence is there against this idea?
• Would I ever say something like this to someone I truly care about?

The goal here isn't to force yourself into a falsely positive outlook. Instead, you’re aiming to find a thought that is more accurate, more balanced, and ultimately, more truthful.

For example:

Thought: “I’m unreliable. No one can count on me.”

Reality check:

• You didn’t choose to be ill; this isn’t a character flaw.
• You have shown up and been dependable many, many times when your health allowed.
• A truly supportive friend wouldn’t define you by your illness or your limitations.

Balanced thought: “My illness definitely makes it hard to be consistent sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I am an unreliable person at my core.”

3. Reach Out

Connection, it turns out, is a powerful antidote to shame.

Shame, by its very nature, makes us want to retreat, to pull away from others.

But the real way to fight it is to lean into connection. Start small, just pick one safe person. This might be a trusted friend, a therapist, a support group, or even an online community where people share similar experiences. You don't have to spill your whole heart out all at once.

For instance, imagine you've had to cancel plans. Instead of just vanishing into thin air, you could send a message like, "I'm genuinely disappointed that I had to cancel. It's just been a really tough symptom day for me, and I'm feeling a bit down about it." When you get a compassionate reply back, something like, "I totally get it, please take care of yourself", that direct understanding really pushes back against the shame. It's like a warm blanket against a cold, isolating feeling.

4. Speak About It

Giving voice to shame actually lessens its grip. Shame loves to hide in the shadows; it thrives on silence. When you keep it bottled up inside, it only grows stronger, becoming a heavier burden.

When you speak about it, whether to someone else or even just to yourself, it helps you in several ways:

• It lets you sort out your thoughts, making sense of the jumble in your head.
• It dials down the intense emotional heat.
• It opens the door for others to offer empathy, which is incredibly healing.

You have options for how to do this: talk to a person you trust, jot your feelings down in a journal, or even just say it out loud to yourself. The crucial thing is to get it out of your head and into words.

Instead of silently agonizing, "I'm failing at life," you could try articulating it: "I feel like I'm failing because I can't do the things I used to. That makes me feel incredibly ashamed and scared." Putting a thought like that into words, either by writing or speaking, often makes it feel less overwhelming. It also makes it much easier to challenge and reframe.

What if You Changed Your Perspective About Yourself?

Living with a chronic illness already demands an incredible amount of courage. Think about it: each day brings a fresh wave of uncertainty, loss, and constant change. Just showing up, day after day, is a testament to your strength. What if, instead of feeling like you're "not enough," you could start seeing yourself differently? Imagine yourself as:

• Someone bravely tackling a truly formidable challenge.
• Someone adapting, moment by moment, to whatever life throws your way.
• Someone inherently worthy of care and connection. Right here, right now, exactly as you are.

You don't need to be perfect to belong. You don't have to earn your worth; it's already yours. You are, in fact, already enough. And the beautiful thing is, when you start to believe that, even just a little bit, you'll feel the tight grip of shame begin to loosen.

Does the information in this blog resonate with you?
I'd love to hear if these ideas help you push back against untrue feelings of not being good enough, feelings that often grow out of the experience of chronic illness. If this blog post has been helpful to you or if you have suggestions for other topics, please let me know by emailing me at espc@eleanorsteinmd.ca.   I read every email and will respond.

References

Brown, B. (2010). The power of vulnerability [Video]. TEDxHouston. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability

Brown, B. (2012). Listening to shame [Video]. TED. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books. https://brenebrown.com/book/daring-greatly/

For more information on medication management see these blogs

https://www.eleanorsteinmd.ca/blog/medical-gaslighting

https://www.eleanorsteinmd.ca/blog/living-well

https://www.eleanorsteinmd.ca/blog/how-to-cope

https://www.eleanorsteinmd.ca/blog/acceptance

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If you are exhausted from trying to figure out which strategies to try next, join me live via zoom every two weeks. Live! with Dr. Stein takes the guess work out of healing, saves you time and provides the ongoing support and motivation you need to move ahead.

Dr. Eleanor Stein is a physician and psychiatrist who now dedicates her career to empowering people with complex chronic conditions—such as myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome (ME/CFS), fibromyalgia, environmental sensitivities, long COVID and chronic pain—to reclaim their lives through accessible science-based self-management strategies.

She draws ideas from cutting edge research in circadian biology, neuroplasticity, hormesis and quantum biology among other.

With over 35 years of clinical practice in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, along with research and decades of lived experience navigating ME/CFS, fibromyalgia, and multiple chemical sensitivity (MCS), Dr. Stein uniquely blends rigorous medical insight with personal resilience. Her online resource platform offers, self-study programs, webinars, blogs and a podcast to support patients and health care professionals worldwide. If you are exhausted from trying to figure out which strategies to try next, join me live via zoom every two weeks. Live! with Dr. Stein takes the guess work out of healing, saves you time and provides the ongoing support and motivation you need to move ahead.